This I Promise You

I still listen to 90’s music. By that, I mean about 80 percent of what I listen to is 90’s music, without any exaggeration.

I read an article once that said your musical taste is shaped by whatever you were listening to at 13 or 14. Since I’ve always been arguably too mature for my age – to a fault – perhaps I was just a bit advanced. It was what I was listening to from ages 6-10 that I still gravitate back to regularly.

I realized this may be detrimental to my future success in life.

Let me explain…

I’m a sucker for a slow song. And a slow song by a boy band? I’m listening to one now. I listen to them almost daily. Even taking the boy bands out of the equation, the 90s still dictate most of my daily music choices.

Because this is the music that shaped my view of life, this is what I think I deserve in life. I want a romantic comedy with Nsync as the soundtrack.

Where am I going to find without actually marrying a member of Nsync? They’re not even available!

Anyone know if any of those randoms from 98 Degrees are still free?

I feel like I can’t settle for anything less now.

My future happiness just got way more complicated.

I Didn’t Want to Love You Anyway

I realize I’m no longer 13 so simply posting lyrics to a song is a little lame; however, I re-stumbled upon this one today. I forgot how perfect it is – and how much I love Sean McConnell. 

And because he says it better than I can:

I Didn’t Want to Love You Anyway – Sean McConnell

I only gave you every part of me
And waited so long so patiently 
Looks like you ain’t ever gonna come and that’s okay
Cause I didn’t want to love you anyway
Lovers come and lovers go
Don’t act like that’s something I don’t know
It’s just sometimes baby lovers stay
But I didn’t want to love you anyway

Anyway you were crazy
Anyway I’m doing fine
You ain’t nothing I miss baby
You don’t even cross my mind
More than a hundred times a day
And I didn’t want to love you anyway

You don’t have to say it twice I’m gone
Don’t flatter yourself thinking I’m holding on
Baby I got better things to do with my pain
I didn’t want to love you anyway

I don’t need your sympathy
Girl don’t act like you ruined me
And don’t you dare speak my name when you pray
Cause I didn’t wanna love you anyway

Life ain’t short, but it sure is small; you get forever but nobody at all.

Just remember on the way home, that you don’t ever have to feel alone. Just stay on the run, get off the grid, hide yourself out like you know that I did.

 

I’m also obsessing over this new John Mayer song. Symbolically, it fits in with the current state of my life so well. Of course, being “off the grid” isn’t quite happening for me just yet, but I contemplate it often.

Most days I’m excited – about life, and all it currently has to offer. I don’t miss much about the way everything was even a few weeks ago – this is where I need to be right now. 

But then there are days like today, when I wake up and remember how much being single sucks, and how just having someone to talk to at the end of the night is pretty worth the whole thing. But it’s not like I can miraculously have that all over again – and the idea of all of that work is kind of terrifying. It’s not even really that I miss him, but I miss comfortable.

 

I see it all, I see it now, I’ve got the eye of a tiger, a fighter…

Obsessed with the new Katy Perry this week. Obsessed.

Funny how a week can change things completely.

I’d like to think no one else will ever hurt me quite so badly again; however, if that’s in the cards, I hope I respond even better than this. 

I guess that’s what happens when the same person breaks up with you six times in a three-year time span. You learn how to deal with it just a little more appropriately each time. And begin to stop actually caring. 

I realized the other day – I’m not even really mad anymore. For the whole breakup part. I’m upset for a lot of other reasons – as far as common courtesy and decency are concerned, but I realize I’m better off in this situation. I also probably knew it was over a few months ago, and spent some time in denial.

But I’m free. I can do whatever I want and not take anyone else’s feelings into consideration, and that’s liberating. I could move to Australia tomorrow and I wouldn’t have to explain myself to anyone. Well, probably my parents, but that’s a different story.

The options are endless. 

You love who you love, who you love.

You can’t make yourself stop dreaming who you’re dreaming of, if it’s who you love, then it’s who you love.

 

I’ve been listening to this song from John Mayer’s new album on repeat since yesterday. Not in a sad way. In a ridiculously excited, I can’t wait to see what’s out there kind of way.

Maybe I used to dream of that boy, but I haven’t in awhile. I haven’t had butterflies in close to a year – something happens when feelings aren’t reciprocated; whether you realize it at the time or not, they tend to disappear.

Sure, I’m still sad, but I think it’s more at the lack of having my friend in my life. The truth is, I felt reprimanded most of the time, like I was being treated like a child rather than an equal. Like he thought he knew more, or his opinion was more important than mine for some reason. That’s the most frustrating thing ever, I’m pretty sure.

I can’t wait to find someone who gets those same butterflies. Who doesn’t talk themselves out of things. Who lives for their life, rather than things making sense or being logical.

The truth is, I’m a dreamer who needs to dream, and I need someone who’s willing to dream with me – rather than tell me why they don’t make sense. Maybe a little broken, because we all are, but without turning that brokenness into baggage. Because you can’t love someone else if you don’t love you first – and I don’t think he does completely. And someone who thinks they’re lucky to be with me – because that should go both ways.

And the prospect of that being out there for me? Thrilling.

She had a weakness for writers, and I was never that good with the words anyway.

I walked into the bar completely unsure of what to expect. I grabbed a drink. I felt out of place. I don’t have tattoos.

I asked for a song.

“Okay, but it’s going to sound different on the acoustic.”

“That’s okay. I don’t mind.”

He played. The songs were good, but none of them were mine.

It was time for the last song.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t forget.”

He played my song.

The show ended up. I walked over while he was kissing his girlfriend.

“So, the backstory is I got dumped on Friday. I really needed to hear that song. Thank you.”

“He wasn’t worth it anyway.”

Truer words have never been spoken.

Then there are days like today, where I spend an additional two hours at work because I keep doing things incorrectly because all I can think about is not crying. 

And I didn’t even succeed. 

Breathe in, breathe out

I’m learning just how powerful emotions can be.

They’re also very fluid – ever changing with each moment.

Amazing in the worst kind of way.

So, I can have a mostly great day. Full of laughs and great friends. And then I can cry when I’m in my car driving home, for no reason at all really, except this crippling feeling that nothing makes sense and nothing is the same and I still don’t know how to process anything.

Or I can go out. And have full confidence that everything will be okay. I can talk to a cute boy, and maybe even give him my number. And then lose my breath because this hole in the bottom of my stomach took it from me. And I’m not sure why my stomach holds all of my emotions, but it feels like they’re all in there, churning around and making me unsure about anything.

And that hole is constantly stealing my breath. Constricting me physically to remind me how much is changing emotionally. And I just want to breathe again.

Advocare Update (day eleven)

Well, I made it through the cleanse! I don’t know what that means really, other than I take different supplements, and I can eat complex carbs again. But, at least I’m done with that. 

Officially, I lost 6.4 pounds during the cleanse phase. I’ve been stuck at that number for the past few days, so I feel like I probably need to start (actually) working out to achieve my goal (10 pounds).

I did take the supplements this morning a little early – about 45 minutes to an hour before I had breakfast – something I will not be doing again. I should know by now never to take vitamins on an empty stomach too far in advance of eating something.

I’ll also need to work on making my meal replacement shakes. I had the vanilla one this morning and it tasted like a marshmallow and was the consistency of cake batter. Fun for about five sips, and then my stomach just started hurting.

 

So, we’ll see how this goes.

Fashion…Wednesday?

It doesn’t have the same ring as Friday, but I’m going with it.

I’m taking a break from diet posts to talk about my new favorite fashion finds. At Kohl’s, of all places.

I love the Lauren Conrad line, but it’s usually a little pricey for what I want to spend at Kohl’s. Thankfully, this weekend there was a sale and a 20 percent off coupon. I also found a pair of pants without a tag – they turned out to be $5! I love surprise steals.

I can’t find a picture of the pants, but they’re the best of both worlds – they look like dress pants but fit like leggings, making the work-happy hour transition seamless.

I also picked up these tops and blazer. I’m going to have to return the blazer for a different size (it runs a bit small), but other than that, I am thrilled.

The tops actually fit a bit looser than they appear in these photos:

As I said, the blazer does not fit me like it appears in the photo. I’ll have to go up a size, but that’s a usual issue for me.

I am wearing the blue top today with the pants, a black sweater and black heels. I feel feminine and comfortable at the same time – the absolute perfect combination!