I have a problem. I mean, it’s a problem in some cases.
I learned early in life that loyalty is important. That when things get tough, I’m to make it work anyways. I learned to stick around.
I did not ever learn there should be criteria for who deserves that. I mean, doesn’t everyone? The benefit of the doubt – also know as naivete, innocence or trust – is something I hold in very high regard, and don’t want to lose.
I guess I finally get it, though. Relationships of any kind are a choice, and when they don’t work out – and so many of them don’t – it’s okay for that person to lose their benefit of the doubt. If everything is a choice, I get to make them, too.
It’s okay to walk away from people who are bad for me. Not because they ever did anything really wrong. Just because they’re trouble. It’s okay to do what’s best for me. It’s okay to be a little selfish.
I decided I wanted to move a few months ago. I say this at least once a year, each time something big changes in my life. But this time is a little different – I feel less like I’m running away from something and more chasing a dream or two. I’m also learning that dreams are sometimes even more abstract that I realized. I feel like I’m chasing a feeling rather than a position or place. And that’s a really great feeling. Chasing feels much better than running.
That said, my perspective on everything changed that say. Suddenly everything turned into, “Well that guy’s a jerk, but I’m moving anyway so who cares.” Or, “My boss is awful today but it doesn’t matter really because I’m moving in five months.” I’ve done this with almost every situation I’ve encountered lately.
It’s a great fall-back. It makes everything seem okay because it doesn’t matter, and not caring is not something I’ve ever been good at on my own. I usually care about eight times too much. Approximately.
But it also means I have very little drive to fix anything that’s happening right now. I’m just kind of going with it, because my circumstances will change soon. This is not something I am used to. I like to fix things.
So i’m left in this place where I don’t know what the right answer is – work to fix things that won’t be variables soon, or simply wait it out?
I’m going through one of those moments in life where every day seems to be a constant reminder of how strange human interaction can be. How things change in an instant; past ghosts reappear, old temptations resurface and new excitement fades – all seemingly at the drop of a hat, and usually all at once. So then I’m left wondering – what’s the point? If it all seems like a cyclical reminder of things that didn’t work out and unhealthier but easier options returning, why am I even trying to find something with meaning, something that matters? Because at the end of the day, everyone else is dealing with the same things. Everyone else has old and easier, so why even try new? New takes effort. New is scary.
I tend to believe the potential reward outweighs potential hurt, but I’m beginning to think not very many other people do.