You’re like 22 girls in one, and none of them know what they’re running from.

Going into the new year, I’d like to be aware of everything about me that doesn’t make sense. All of the things that make me sometimes difficult – as almost everyone sometimes can be. Maybe I’ll work on them, maybe I won’t. But at least I’ll go into the new year with some self awareness.

1. I have to eat in a straight line. I sometimes forget what my dinner companion is saying because I’m so focused on making sure things are in a line.

2. I generally dislike most technology – I feel it takes away from so many amazing parts of humans that we only get by seeing one another – funny facial expressions, meaningful glances, freckles that burn themselves in a mental picture forever. But I pick up my phone the moment I feel awkward.

3. I don’t care about money. I’d rather have experiences. But I like to buy nice things.

4. I run away from things when I feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable sometimes means happy.

5. Feelings make me anxious – too many of them, at least. Because with the good comes the bad, and if it’s too good, doesn’t that mean it could also be very bad?

6. I plan to a degree that would frustrate most people, but it’s only because I try to make everyone happy.

7. I spend probably 70 percent of my life daydreaming. I need to be more present, but sometimes it gets away from me.

8. When someone expresses even slight anger toward me, I shut down. Remember that whole thing about feelings making me uncomfortable?

9. I don’t consider myself vain, but I spend a good amount of time on my hair.

10. I am so very awkward.

The reality is this is me – even though some of it doesn’t make always add up. But I guess everyone doesn’t make sense from time to time. I guess that’s kind of life?

I’ve got Christmas Eve on my mind tonight

“We are empty handed like we were before. And I miss you like a thunder with no storm. Happy New Year’s, baby, is all I can afford to give to you, I won’t bother you unless you want me to.” – “Xmas Eve” The Damnwells

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I wrapped my last present this morning. I spent a few minutes looking at my tree before the sun came up. Christmas is my favorite time of year, by far, but I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about it this time around. If someone had told me a year ago this is where I’d be and this is how Christmas would go, I would’ve laughed and then probably got a little defensive, because that’s how I reacted to comments like that back then. It’s been my favorite holiday season as an adult, without question. That tree is all mine. I decorated it myself. There are plenty of presents under it. I’m thankful for a job where I get to spend my days with really great people every day. I can’t even begin to express how much my friends mean to me and how much their friendship meant to me this year. It was a tough one, but it turned out okay. We all made it through. I thought about all of this as I watched the lights hit the glitter covering the tree that’s all mine. And I felt joy. 

Merry Christmas.