I’ve got somethin’ inside of me, it just won’t settle down.

Is wearing your heart on your sleeve really a bad thing, or does it eventually pay off?

I am notoriously terrible at investing myself in situations far too much far too early. It’s not a new thing. It’s been going on as long as I can remember – I still recall an argument I was in with my best friend when we were 7 or 8. I cried.

“My dad says not to wear your heart on your sleeve like that because you’re going to get your feelings hurt too much,” she said.

I’m pretty sure I just cried harder. I often wonder if a certain type of guy is attracted to this type of girl. They’re usually not very emotional. They usually break my heart, and I’m left wondering if they ever even cared at all, while crying on a bar bathroom floor or something. Not really, I usually cry in my bed under 15 layers of covers for about the same amount of days.

That said, I can’t help but think it’s the only approach that makes sense. I really love love, for all that it is, and I can’t help but put it all out there. Because I want the kind of all-consuming love. I want someone to love the good, the bad and all the in between. So hiding any part of that doesn’t seem to make sense.

I like butterflies. I like feeling giddy. I don’t think anyone should miss out on those things in the interest of not seeming too something or another. Do what feels right. See what happens. If it doesn’t work, I guarantee they weren’t a good fit anyway.

Advertisements

Closure.

I suppose much of life is about closure. I guess it’s impossible to lose once we finally find it – but is it something we ever really find? Or do we just get so tired of looking we lie to ourselves?

I’m approaching a full year of completely single, minus a few little things here and there. And right now if say I have closure, because I’m happy. I’m unbelievably happy. But if I wake up tomorrow sad, I can’t say any of it will make sense anymore. I know more than a few women who have spent entire happy hours on ex-boyfriends from five years ago, and plenty of people still blaming new partners for others’ mistakes.

I don’t know what the real answer is, or if it’s even a black and white issue. I’m leaning toward grey. Maybe it’s a day-to-day issue; maybe it’s an if this-then that type of thing.

I suppose that’s not the worst thing – after all, today I’m happy.