Hope.

Because I needed a reminder:

Hope

verb (used with object)

6. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.
7. to believe, desire, or trust
 
verb (used without object)

8. to feel that something desired may happen
9. Archaic. to place trust; rely 

The 90s Pop Pandora station always makes my day.

It seems like most people I know are doing all of these moving-forward-in-life type things right now.

I don’t mean for that to sound like a downer statement – I’m happy for them. I am also thrilled to be happy. Happy not doing those things, that is. And happy in general.

I’m just over here having some fun, and re-learning that smiles don’t have to happen because something is funny. I forgot that gem of information. Sometimes it’s just ’cause I want to make someone else’s morning. Or make my own. Or because I heard Nsync on that radio – or because I heard that “eye of the tiger” line in the new Katy Perry song.

Sometimes life is just good. And simple. And easy, because it’s fun. I don’t have to think about fun. Or figure out what it means or doesn’t mean or where my life is going or where it will be in a year or five. It’s almost the absence of deep thought. I needed that.

Or so we thought.

I remember reading this a couple years ago when this Daytrotter session first came out. I have been thinking about it quite a bit lately. The words speak for themselves, I suppose. 

“It’s the one thing that we always forget about those who tend to fall in love easily – not necessarily often, just easily – and that’s that most of the time these occurrences happen without any warning and before you know it, you’re wrapped up in a narrative that’s rippling forth, unable to be stopped. It’s what happens when you’ve not made any plans for such a thing. It will hit you between the eyes, sock you in the guts and pull your thumping heart right out of your chest to give it a solid once over. We’re made to deal with all of these things that we had been ignoring, all of these things that we didn’t really want to think about for a long while. Or so we thought.”

La Cienega just smiled and said, “I’ll see you around.”

I went to LA. I fell in love.

Not with a person, of course. With this city. While dirty, grungy and a little rough around the edges in places, there is also an ethereal beauty. The air is filled with dreams – some achieved, some in the making and others breaking. It’s almost like I could feel it.

Some say it’s a city of followers – it’s a place where people come to be someone, and lose themselves in the process. I think that’s pretty normal in any place we go in life, though. We’re all mostly searching for who we really are in one way or another. People out here are just more obvious about it, I suppose.

I’m in a place where moving makes sense. Texas has more memories than I care to remember, and way too many people moving faster in life than I am. I feel like fewer people are searching, and most of them just settled with whatever seemed to make sense at the time. I don’t think I’m there. Perhaps the decision was already made for me, but settling isn’t even an option.

I feel like I belong somewhere that people are still trying – constantly striving for some sort of validation, acceptance or attention. Sometimes all of the above. I’m okay with admitting that I’m in a place where all of those things seem like what I need.

With all of that said, recently more than ever, I’ve been reminded of the importance of hope. Faith in the unseen. The belief that something better IS out there and someday it will make sense. I have hope tattooed on my back. I forget about it sometimes, but catch a glance of it here and there. And I am reminded that without hope, we all crumble.

Then I took this photo on a random street in LA. Notice the street name.

I don’t believe in coincidences. Time for plans.

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All I wanted was to break your walls, all you ever did was wreck me.

“Crazy moments are okay. Because you have your crazy, and then you’re done. Now you get to be done.”

And that’s so liberating, heartbreaking, thrilling and powerful all in the same moment.

I found out this weekend that absolutely nothing I thought of as my reality was the truth. The hundreds of pieces of my life I was already scrambling to put back together shattered into thousands.

And then I just got angry. You don’t do those things to people and they let it go.

He once told me, “You’re kind of like that girl from Silver Linings Playbook, except she talks more.”

I talked. And I went a little crazy.

He said nothing.

He was way too selfish from the beginning.

It wasn’t for him in the first place. He never listened while he was lying, anyway. 

And now I’m done.

Life is good.