I’ve always loved rain. Well, being inside for rain. Sometimes outside – but only when my soul needs cleansing, which is more often than not, truthfully.
I woke up two hours before I had to be awake today – the day after my birthday. I was cursing it, because it’s Friday and I have two HOURS left of sleep. I also had approximately one drink too many last night and would have appreciated a little extra sleep.
The truth? My birthday wasn’t the best day of my life – but it’s what made sense for 25 in a new town. I missed my friends and family. Holidays are hard without them – I love cards and flowers, but they don’t compare to the hugs I’m missing. (Do not mistake this as me saying I love hugs. I do not. I love personal space, except when I really love someone.) I understand that’s a glass half empty mentality, and I try not to have that – but it’s where I’m at this morning.
My birthday was what it needed to be. Full of twists and turns and ups and downs and honestly a little bit of heartache – but what better reminder of being alive? I had a little bit of a mental breakdown around lunchtime. I kept saying I’m officially an adult – and I finally felt like it. I ate Subway in my car alone for lunch and thought about how – out of the guys I’ve dated in the past five years – the only guy who told me happy birthday was my ex-boyfriend, who actually has every right to hate me at this point. So I sat in my car at a park and contemplated getting older and probably dying alone because I have the absolute worst taste in the history of the world. I started the day unhappy about not being around the people I love the most and was determined for the day to be everything awful about that situation. So I started throwing myself a pity party – one of my most frustrating and all too present qualities.
But the day got better. I left the park and heard a song on the radio that my Granny always loved – I think she was reminding me that I’m where I need to be. I ran into a homeless couple I talked to for maybe five minutes, who were so kind I have no words to explain it. I walked up to my door and realized my parents and best friend sent me flowers. I went to a lovely friend’s birthday party – which was a beautiful reminder of how joy radiates from people, if you’re willing to put it out there. She is, and it was so evident with how many people showed up to celebrate her. And I saw so any of my favorite people in Nashville – who gave me big hugs and loved on me.
So maybe birthdays change as we get older. Life does, so I guess it only makes sense.
But I woke up this morning and was pretty hard on myself, as usual. Did I say the wrong thing to someone last night? Did I embarrass myself? I wish there was a cancel burton on texts you’ve already sent.
The truth is – even if all of those things are true, there’s always room for an apology. People who love you are usually understanding. If they don’t, the friendship was probably never worth much in the grand scheme of things. And life moves on; it did you a favor.
The thing is, life always moves on. That’s the great thing about it. There’s always a chance to start over.
And I suppose that’s why I love the rain.