Christmas

This is – without a doubt – the hardest Christmas I’ve had in my life so far. I think it’s okay to admit that.

I cried on the way home after my work Christmas party last night. The drunk, ugly cry most people don’t usually admit to doing. But it happened, so I’m going to own it. It’s mostly just hard missing my family and realizing the people I’ve been talking to about it also live 800 miles away.

But I guess this morning after I sobered up I realized that’s not the worst thing in the world – at least I have people to talk to. Some people probably don’t. I threw myself a ridiculous pity party yesterday and kept thinking, “I’m just not great at making friends. People don’t like me much.”

I’ve said many dumb drunk things in life, but that has to be one of the stupidest. I have the greatest group of people who love me. Granted, they don’t live close enough to grab coffee with and there’s too many miles between us to do anything but drink wine via skype together. But I have them. And they sent me the sweetest cards this year so I wouldn’t feel alone. I’m so thankful for that.

I’m blessed to be in Nashville. I do love it here very much, and I know it will eventually feel like home – or it won’t and I’ll move on – and I keep trying to remember that when the growing pains hurt and living life is uncomfortable. I’ve met some really amazing people with huge, amazing hearts and I know God put them in my path for a reason. I’m excited to see what He’ll do with those relationships as time goes on, and I try to remember that when I feel lonely. I’ll try harder to remember this all sometimes.

And so it’s Christmas Eve. My second most favorite day of the year. I think I’ll go to church and hang out with Jesus – it’s His second favorite day of the year I would guess, too. And remember why I’m here in the first place. I guess it’s easy to lose perspective on the whole thing – why we celebrate love so much this time of year. I suppose that’s the easiest love to forget about, too. Then I’ll make some pancakes in the morning, like my dad always does. I’ll open some presents under my own little tree. And I suppose there is something I love about that. My own little tree in this little house I call home. I’m going to cuddle with my puppy and drink a ton of coffee. I may even watch a Christmas movie or two. And it’ll be my very own little Christmas, I suppose.

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