“When you let someone take your peace, you lose.”
I survived day two of bikram yoga this evening. Not only did I survive, I attempted 98 percent of the class, only skipping two of the second iterations of two of the poses. It is the greatest release of bad shit I have ever experienced in my life. It’s so hot and so difficult that there is no choice than to leave the rest of it behind when you walk in the door.
I cried as I was driving there. Not for any particular reason, probably just because I’ve been more apt to cry in the last several months. Life works out that way sometimes, I guess. It’s beautiful when it’s over and we get the opportunity to look back and say, “Shit, that was awful, but I survived and am therefore better.” In the midst, though, it just seems sad. But none of that matters in that little tiny hot room. It’s an opportunity to let it all go.
So when I walked out of that room, I felt like I had my peace back. And even though life is confusing and sometimes frustrating, I have peace because I know it will work out the way it’s supposed to – because good things happen when you put good things out in the world, and I try my best to do that as often as I can.
I turned my car on and this song was playing. This is one of my favorite memories of all time. Not just because it’s my favorite musician and a song that is dear to my heart, but because of the timing of all of it. The guy I was dating at the time broke up with a couple days after I took it. I thought life was over, of course. It wasn’t – I survived, and I know this video/memory/song helped with that. It has so many breathtaking phrases in it – the way the words are put together blows me away each and every time I listen. The way I relate to those words is even more phenomenal. It’s nice to know out there somewhere, at some point in time, someone felt exactly as I did.
The song is part of a mixtape I made several years ago – 2010 to be exact. I was attempting to move to Boston for the second time. The CD isn’t sad, really, but rather filled with songs that give me hope. The songs that remind me there is always, always something better around the corner – we just occasionally have to look for it a little. The collection also reminds me of the drive i had to make that move happen. I wanted it more than anything, and was willing to make every sacrifice I could to make it happen. I stayed of course – for that boy who broke up with me after the video was taken. It’s funny how life goes full circle, and we so often never even realize it. I listen to it on occasion when things don’t make a ton of sense – when I want to feel comforted. I also don’t regret the staying. That relationship didn’t work out, but I learned a great deal about love and life and what happens when love is absent. And sometimes I guess it’s just about finding the silver lining.
All of that to say, things made sense for a moment. I understood, at least briefly, that God has a better plan than I could ever remotely come up with for myself. And as long as I’m walking in His will, things will work out. He’s a big fan of seeing me happy – even if I don’t always understand the road to get there.