I’ve been struggling a lot with choices lately. They scare the shit out of me to be honest. I don’t believe we’re predestined. I think we get to make our own decisions. So there’s a great potential to make amazing, wonderful decisions but also really awful ones – choices that have the potential to haunt us for the rest of our lives. So how do we make sure it’s the right one?
People often say to be true to yourself. I get that, but what happens when both options seem true? No one wants to do something and wonder for the rest of their time on this pretty little planet if they made the wrong one. I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t concerned with missing out on something. Literally, anything. I wanted to be involved and in the middle of it – whether it was what was happening in my personal life, what was going on with projects at work or even getting involved in something I have little to no knowledge about. It didn’t really matter, if I was interested, I wanted in on it.
This brings me to the second part of my argument about choice. Why do we have to make them? This is a silly question, and I understand that – but I want everything. I want it all. And it frustrates me when people tell me I can’t have it all. Because if I work hard and am a good person and put as much love out into the world as I possibly can, why doesn’t that mean everything works out in a pleasing way? I wonder if somewhere along the way I made things more complicated than they need to – my list of things I need is actually pretty short, but I want absolutely all of them. I say that knowing full well that I probably don’t have everything. I know for a fact that I don’t. But I still want to travel and see things and do things and wander about, and make dumb decisions in the heat of the moment and spend too much time thinking about others. I want to let some things go easily and obsess over others. There’s a moment in every single day where each of these options seems like the right one for me tomorrow.