But I Will Just Keep Breathing In.

1017036_557906650924910_661870854_n Watch the way you fall in love,

‘Cause if you’re smart, you’ll take it slow.
And don’t ask me about it, cause I don’t know,
’cause I don’t know, know, know,
But I’m gonna learn, learn, learn.
I’ll take my turn, turn, turn.
If I get sick on the way,
By the things that people say,
It’ll break my heart against the wind.
But I will just keep breathing in.
– “In Front of the World” Stephen Kellogg & the Sixers

A year in review. I’m doing this a little early – mostly because I’m already in full-blown Christmas mode and Thanksgiving is coming up, so I’ve been thinking a lot about the things and people that have been blessings to me this year.

I’ve been thinking about how I’d describe this year for the past month or so – it’s been a pendulum of sorts, swinging back and forth from, “Wow, what a shitty year,” to “Man, what a blessing!”

I think I finally settled somewhere in between. I’m not sure what this is going to turn into – I may ramble for awhile. I may keep the details out of this particular post. I haven’t decided quite yet.

If I were to pick a phrase to describe what I’ve learned this year, it would probably be that the single most important thing is to never second guess myself. I’m really really good at that. I spend a lot of time in my head, so I have ample time to think about my choices over and over and over and over again. As one would expect, that typically leads to uncertainty and doubt, and in most cases, saying things I don’t mean. Whether an apology that wasn’t really deserved or something said in anger – it almost always leads to a place that would’ve been better left alone. So the second half of 2013 was spent without much thought. I’m thankful for that – for the situations that led me to the place where I decided that was okay. Because it’s amazing, freeing and wonderful to just do, and be. And laugh. And not think so much. Life is way too short to spend all of my time thinking about it.

If I were to pick one word to describe this year, it would be hope. Through the course of the year, I’ve probably lost sight of it a little bit – whether through the loss of a job, a friend or a boyfriend. But it was still a constant in one way or another – whether I was conscious of the fact I had lost it and tried desperately to find it again or it was what kept me getting out of bed. It was always there in some form, though. And as the year draws to a close, I’m filled with hope – with the expectation that things will be better. Whatever better may be. I’m thankful for that – for hope.

I guess I’d say I cried more than I wish I had this year. But I guess the good comes with the bad. I feel better now as the year ends. A good cry – or two or twelve – is good for the soul. And I feel refreshed. Like it’s out of my system and I’m ready for next year. The opposite of that is, of course, that I feel like I laughed more than I deserved to this year. Especially this second half. I am so incredibly, incredibly blessed  to have the people in my life that I do. My parents are wonderful – they listen when I ramble and laugh at me when I do things that remind them of themselves. My friends are exceptional. They let me ramble and love me when I harp on the same subject for way too long. Even when it’s something that never mattered much in the first place. My dog is adorable. I get it, my dog isn’t a person, but I love her anyway. Back to what I was saying – I laughed a lot. Hysterically laughed. Laughed ’til I cried. Cried ’til I laughed. The emotions really ran the gamut this year. And it was fucking fantastic. I don’t like mediocrity much. That said, I could do with fewer tears next year.

I visited both coasts. I saw the ocean. I felt peace. I saw the harbor. I saw the Red Sox win the ALCS from a bar in the old Fenway batting cages. My heart was filled with so much joy. Joy for just being here and having the ability to see wonderful places and wonderful people – the ones I knew before and the ones I met – and go home with my heart a little more in tact. It’s back together now. I’m thankful for that, and excited for what’s in store.

I can’t think of much else that really needs to be covered. I cried. I laughed. I fell down. I grew up. I loved. I fought. I won. I lost. I smiled.

And I’m looking forward to next year. I feel like God has some good plans in store – now that I stopped trying to plan it all myself and let him have the reigns. Of course, that’s last but not least. I’m thankful for that relationship. For the one I don’t deserve and forget about way too often. For someone who loves me unconditionally. When I do things out of character or even the things in character. When I mess up. When I forget. I feel blessed.

So, here’s to 2014. And 2013. I hope yours was wonderful. And full of joy in some capacity. I know it was – there’s joy all around. I hope the next year is full of hope and peace and so much laughter. And love. The good kind. The kind from strangers and friends and family all alike. The real kind that makes your heart full. The kind that gives you butterflies. The kind that makes you happy to be here, ’cause I sure am.


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