I read this blog post today. I don’t always read her blog – it’s great, I’m just not a mom so I sometimes have trouble relating.
But this? This hit home for me. I mean, I felt like she was talking about me.
At first- these thoughts stressed me out this morning because I am passionate and I am kind and sometimes I’m ecstatic and I can usually find gratitude but I’m not “happy.” I’m intense and up and down and I get depressed and anxious and my anxiety makes me hard to be around sometimes. Because I’m impatient and snappy. I snap at people I love all the time and that makes me feel bad about myself. I want to be zen. I am so not zen. Whatever zen is- I’m the opposite of it.
I struggle with this specific set of emotions daily. I’m not a happy person. Occasionally bubbly, often awkward, usually nice and sometimes high strung. I read a quote once – I think by Steve Earle – he said something about not being a fan of mediocrity in life, and probably in music, too. I’ve adopted that phrase as my life’s philosophy. I laugh about it often. The thing is, as humans, we’re pretty neat in that I can be all of these things, and still be carefree in the same moment. I just think about it a little too much while doing so.
I’m lucky that I have a best friend who is the complete opposite of me. She is laid back. She is patient. She has self control, except when I’m involved. We talk each other into and out of things with great ease. She often responds to my text messages with, “Is this really a big deal, or are you just being Sarah right now?” Everyone needs a friend like that. For me, I need someone to reel me back in. Not to say that I love drama. I don’t. I’m dramatic, but only in regards to my feelings about a situation. I don’t make grand gestures and I try hard not to say mean things when I’m upset. But I do spiral a bit when drawing conclusions. I’ve probably thought everyone – in my immediate circle and outer circle too – hated me at one point or another.
All of this to say, I sometimes get upset about my personality. I don’t understand why I’m not always great at talking to strangers. Or why other days I enjoy talking to everyone I meet. Or why I can’t let people go, or more specifically, their feelings toward me – and other days think I could pack my car up, never look back and not give them or their opinions one more thought. It frustrates me – why I’m not one way or the other.
I’ve been discovering this recently, and the post I read today was a great reminder – sometimes it’s okay to be still and just be. Be whoever I am in that moment. Because this is me. All of this is me. And that’s okay – even if my personality does contradict itself daily.