Fairy tales.

Often as we grow older we’re taught to let go of our childhoods. Imaginations are great, but staying grounded is better. It’s important to stay realistic.

I suppose I got the memo, but chose not to listen.

Here’s the thing: imaginations rule the world. Innovators don’t exist because they decided they needed an 8-5 with a 401k and a good vacation package.

So – in the most realistic way possible – I ask why I would start being realistic.

I like dreams of all kinds. Day dreams, night dreams, red light dreams, driving dreams. I’m familiar with each and every one. And they keep me going.

The most perfect point in every summer day is seeing a firefly flicker and remembering how it felt to be eight and catch one in a jar. That feeling of joy and magic that surrounded each Tinkerbell and lightning bug. Because it truly felt like magic – trying to figure out why they lit up the way they did. I was certain they knew something we must not – I mean, they figured out how to light up; why wouldn’t they know the secrets to the universe?

But that fades as we grow up. The magic goes away. But does it really have to?

The answer is no.

It doesn’t. It shouldn’t.

Dreams should stick with us; everyone needs something to fill them with as much joy as an eight-year-old with a mason jar and a firefly.

Because we all need to believe in magic.

Everything.

Love. Night skies. Fireflies. Miracles. Big, hearty laughs. A glass of bourbon. Friends who get me. God. Faith. Hope. Grace. Joy. (A lack of) patience. Living in the moment. Butterflies. Family. A song lyric that’ll rip you wide open. The smell of books. The pops of records. Following my heart. Making a stranger smile. Anything my Granny ever painted. Babies. Running wild. Open skies. Sunrises (more than sunsets). Sunsets. Talking all night. Photos. My grandparents’ tiny, hand-built white house. Not being sure. Being sure. That feeling when I finally get it. That feeling when it all makes sense again. Shooting stars. Rainbows. Holding hands. Telling all my secrets without judgment. The look in the eyes of someone who appreciates it. Karma. Loving without a second thought. Hearing another person’s heart beat. Naïveté. Daydreams. Plans. Dolly. Life.

Sometimes you just need a list of things you love.

I’ve got somethin’ inside of me, it just won’t settle down.

Is wearing your heart on your sleeve really a bad thing, or does it eventually pay off?

I am notoriously terrible at investing myself in situations far too much far too early. It’s not a new thing. It’s been going on as long as I can remember – I still recall an argument I was in with my best friend when we were 7 or 8. I cried.

“My dad says not to wear your heart on your sleeve like that because you’re going to get your feelings hurt too much,” she said.

I’m pretty sure I just cried harder. I often wonder if a certain type of guy is attracted to this type of girl. They’re usually not very emotional. They usually break my heart, and I’m left wondering if they ever even cared at all, while crying on a bar bathroom floor or something. Not really, I usually cry in my bed under 15 layers of covers for about the same amount of days.

That said, I can’t help but think it’s the only approach that makes sense. I really love love, for all that it is, and I can’t help but put it all out there. Because I want the kind of all-consuming love. I want someone to love the good, the bad and all the in between. So hiding any part of that doesn’t seem to make sense.

I like butterflies. I like feeling giddy. I don’t think anyone should miss out on those things in the interest of not seeming too something or another. Do what feels right. See what happens. If it doesn’t work, I guarantee they weren’t a good fit anyway.

Closure.

I suppose much of life is about closure. I guess it’s impossible to lose once we finally find it – but is it something we ever really find? Or do we just get so tired of looking we lie to ourselves?

I’m approaching a full year of completely single, minus a few little things here and there. And right now if say I have closure, because I’m happy. I’m unbelievably happy. But if I wake up tomorrow sad, I can’t say any of it will make sense anymore. I know more than a few women who have spent entire happy hours on ex-boyfriends from five years ago, and plenty of people still blaming new partners for others’ mistakes.

I don’t know what the real answer is, or if it’s even a black and white issue. I’m leaning toward grey. Maybe it’s a day-to-day issue; maybe it’s an if this-then that type of thing.

I suppose that’s not the worst thing – after all, today I’m happy.

Walking away.

I have a problem. I mean, it’s a problem in some cases.

I learned early in life that loyalty is important. That when things get tough, I’m to make it work anyways. I learned to stick around.

I did not ever learn there should be criteria for who deserves that. I mean, doesn’t everyone? The benefit of the doubt – also know as naivete, innocence or trust – is something I hold in very high regard, and don’t want to lose.

I guess I finally get it, though. Relationships of any kind are a choice, and when they don’t work out – and so many of them don’t – it’s okay for that person to lose their benefit of the doubt. If everything is a choice, I get to make them, too. 

It’s okay to walk away from people who are bad for me. Not because they ever did anything really wrong. Just because they’re trouble. It’s okay to do what’s best for me. It’s okay to be a little selfish. 

Perspective.

I decided I wanted to move a few months ago. I say this at least once a year, each time something big changes in my life. But this time is a little different – I feel less like I’m running away from something and more chasing a dream or two. I’m also learning that dreams are sometimes even more abstract that I realized. I feel like I’m chasing a feeling rather than a position or place. And that’s a really great feeling. Chasing feels much better than running. 

That said, my perspective on everything changed that say. Suddenly everything turned into, “Well that guy’s a jerk, but I’m moving anyway so who cares.” Or, “My boss is awful today but it doesn’t matter really because I’m moving in five months.” I’ve done this with almost every situation I’ve encountered lately.

It’s a great fall-back. It makes everything seem okay because it doesn’t matter, and not caring is not something I’ve ever been good at on my own. I usually care about eight times too much. Approximately. 

But it also means I have very little drive to fix anything that’s happening right now. I’m just kind of going with it, because my circumstances will change soon. This is not something I am used to. I like to fix things.

So i’m left in this place where I don’t know what the right answer is – work to fix things that won’t be variables soon, or simply wait it out?